apoetssecret

I have her in my reach yet unresearched suprising uncertainty creates a bubble around each lover causing difficulty wth connecting two hearts and minds making each soul uninterested in participating in a dance. I cant find my voice when i'm pressed against a dejavu daydream. I can see the battle in her eyes it is I that feeds the confusion and her absent contentment whispers to my inner self blame that I am not the same and expectations are the root to her disappointment. Changing me into everything that i am no, my inner desire to prove her right by dimming my own light is nothing but a sick self inflicted punishment. But i am that voice in her head I am everything I said. I just need her to smile so i can feel like i'm worth while. The world would mourn if the change sucks us dry. Young misfits in stunning outfits conquering the odds. Our chance wasnt denied by situations b/c we moved each mountain now all that is left is blending. I'll be your green if you be my blue.

but she doesnt feel the warmth across her chest.
I'm failing.

she's as irrational as bravery but there's nothing more contradicting then insomia consequences.
he is rusted covered with dagger marks burning away his own design to rewire and become another mime.
she's a rock constantly staring at a clock but she will smile to make life worth while.
she molds within the crowd, not to quiet not to loud, she acts upon the stage but behind the curtains she's tramped in her own cage.
she's constantly unraveling my tightly secured maze, thread by thread she may be misled but her eyes can see through mine, if she continues to stare i fear one day she may go blind.
he digs deep within my vines, with his own firey light he gets my cryptic lines.
she keeps her distance.
her influence on me is forbidden, now she can unleash what i have hidden.
I am like a detuned melody unsteady and out of key i scream through amplifiers that have no volume control.
 they can hear the rythme in my self composed distortion, they hear the fear they hear the ocean.
I understand different pieces of their making, it connects through levels of  co existing wires, we grab in a cycle of taking fueling up the fire of our inner desires.

she's has me tuned in
her mind is my hearts station
and its begining again
sweaty palms, glazed eyes
racing pulse, aggressive ties
shared admiration,midnight skies
inhaling her exhale
she ventilates my world 
suddenly everything is in a steady motion

I have her on stage front and center
my theatrical presentation is her epic love story
and the show begins
action, and scripts
obvious attraction, a chemical reaction
desired distraction magnetic satisfaction
playing a beautiful design
I bring her to the light
never letting me out of her sight
as her eyes shine so bright

locked in a stare
wondering what was there
begining this rare act of emotion
terrified we stand on the ledge
fingers entwined with one anothers, our new found connection
fresh kisses to get eachothers attention
we are proof of a dreamers reality
living for the moment, overcoming obstacles
we are a lighted candle branding eachothers souls.







dou's without adventure
can not escape gravity
candles missing a wic
will never brand a soul

I'm crawling up the ceiling and into the hole, this feeling of insecurity takes  over dripping with disaster, this is what i create when happiness is near, i wont allow it not with out a fight.   oh it never FAILS me, oh no it NEVER FAILS me
stomach pains, its part of the deal
stomach pains, with out a fee
Sharp blades penetrating my back, drowning in my own pool of self destruction, while i bleed from wounds that have healed years ago.limitless thoughts, ideas, and emotions, consuming rationality one sentence at a time.creating a problem, finding a solution to my own delusional vision.  oh but it never FAILS, never FAILS me.
stomach pains, twist and turn it away
stomach pains make it go away.
pushing you, doubting change, peeling it all off one scab at time i'm digging my own grave, burying a chance at contentment, destroying my own dream,days at a time,but i wont allow it, not with out a fight. oh but it never FAILS me, oh no it never FAILS me
stomach pains twist and turn it away, just twist and turn it away

pull me out of it, play your role, prove me wrong, deny my irrationality, i dare you to stay oh but it always fails me, oh yes it always fails me.
dont FAIL me.
dont leave me.
stomach pains.

1. Is there a story behind your eljay name?

A Poets secret, this poets secret, will never be told. ;)

2. If a book was written based on your life up to date, what would the title be and where in the bookstore would it be found in?

First of all it would be series or a really long book but i prefer a series...about 5 books long. First title would be "Mother of oblivion", second title " Lessons with a blade", third title " devoured hearts, restless souls" and the fourth title i would know..because my life is not even close to being finished, it is a unfinished journey waiting for its ending.
3. What song(s) or lyric(s) best describes you right now at this very moment?

I hate to show I'd bleed for this
I cut myself to shame
To get to know who this masochist
Who’s stolen my first name
Pretending he’s a teacher
Holding all my weight at ease
But the teacher seems to split in two
Destroying both his knees
and now crawling I position myself
Below your broken wings
I lift your feathered left arm
Where you hide your heart from me
I never noticed it was swollen
With a touch of brutal pain
I never knew a heart could live inside
The rust from all your rain, all your rain

I didn't think to bring a washcloth
Or to rub away the dirt
Myself & I we share
This barely beating heart of hurt
and when the hurt comes there’s an argument
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while
A dream we all should count on
Yeah a vision I believe
And where confidence is found
Attached to wires on a sleeve
And where loneliness is history
Told to pack his shit and leave
And when guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need
And where crying isn’t secret
It’s the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will achieve, I will achieve

4. Have you ever had sexual relations of any sort with the same sex ( that wasn't fueled by some sort of intoxication )? Enjoy it?

Um yes ive had sex with the same sex plenty of times and honestly i wouldnt have it any other way..:)



5. Got a quote you wanna share with the class?

"take fear by the throat" beethoven

6. What are three things you want to accomplish before the year is over?

1. Get my car back
2. Create something amazing
3. Give back

7. Who's the one person you wish would simply disappear?

My fucking aunt uuurrrggggg

8. Are you a democrat, republican or somewhere in between?

liberal/ hippie lol
9. Pick up the nearest book, magazine, instruction manual... etc, etc ( ANYTHING that can be considered reading material ). What are the first two lines of the second paragraph on the ninth page? ( keeeeeeep searching till you find something that qualifies! )


eh no sorry arious.

10. What would the title to the soundtrack of your life be and what TWELVE tracks would it feature?

title : thread by thread

1. Been a son- Nirvana
2.Blind-korn
3.chameleon boy- blue october
4.3 libras- A perfect circle
5.Give it up- 8mm
6. something i can never have-nin
7. Mr. Self destruct-nin
8. The patient- tool
9. Girl Anachronism- the dresden dolls
10. Forty six and two- tool
11. Consequence of sounds- Regina spektor
12. the end- the doors

Cleanse myself with the same towel you handled yourself with
Bleed yourself with blades
You sing as shady eyes don't decieve you...
and I jumped to the west coast in a heartbeat
without giving a second thought to the green ashes in your mouth

I'm aware of this kind of dog leash girl
does tricks for semen treats
I could throw rose petals at her feet...

Some say I'm doing this for the wrong reasons
but my heart and future reside inside kind eyes

I'm aware of this kind of dog leash girl
does tricks for sinful treats
I could throw rose petals at her feet...

but the words she spoke through a screen
never transpired through her lips

Why shatter all my favorite songs with your
tone death speech
No matter how much you wink or how late you arrive...

Clutch your fists and sit through a mirror gaze
Shower me with money and gifts
won't take your altered ways

I'm aware of this kind of dog leash girl
does tricks for sinful treats
I could throw rose petals at her feet...
but I'm better off with kind eyes and relief

1
It keeps growing
And i can feel it breathe
I have been trying
To behave myself
It keeps growing
And i can feel it breathe
I have been trying
To tolerate you

2
Well i am reaching the point
Yeah yeah yeah

3
I thought maybe
I thought this would go away
But it continues
The only constant
Every day
Stronger

4
I will use my voice
And i will use my fist
To destroy
Everything i can

5
Now i know
What this is all about
Now i know
Exactly what i am

6
These is a seed
Inside of me
That makes me

broken thoughts fill my mind with overflowing emotions creating a constant struggle for my own piece of mind.A battle between logic  and desire inspired by everything that goes against reason.  Insecure in my own skin i wonder the earth with no actual understanding of what's around me, functioning just to kill time, i replay that day over and over again.
The day my reason for living was taken from my grasp, all that i had was gone in a blink of an eye.The day passion died. It was like ground, the air, the plants, the sky , and the galaxy suddenly vanished into a unknown atmosphere leaving me behind with only my shadow, my memories, and a disease that grows like a fatal infection affecting my ability to function normally. Life with out love is a dull and bitter existance, i believe that life is not just a logical, reasonable, simple, calculated routine. I believe that we posses feelings, to create something greater then ourselves, something stronger and more meaningful then a simple equation that can be solved with common sense, and with that said i can only descrive becka's death as a devistating event that completely destroyed me. I feel like her last breath was mine aswell, eventhough physically i'm still here mentally, and emotionally im buried with her. what is life without emotions,and a stable mind? Our mind is what controls are whole existance as a living being, with out a functioning brain you can't actually live life. We are in control, because life is what you make it, and our mind and beliefs determine what we see. I've lived a unconventional life since my childhood, i can tell you stories that would make you brake down and cry, but all was healed once i layed eyes on her, and now that she's gone, taken away by impulsive selfish suicide, my logical side takes control and tells me to move on, people tell me to move on, and invite me to visit my loves grave. Three years have passed and i still can't put her, put us behind me, im stuck in the past, the past is my present, and in a way i prefer it that way because it's a state of mind that i never want to forget,a time that i was happy but at the same time it eats away at my sanity, because no matter how much i avoid the subject, she is gone and she is never coming back. and the irrational part of me tells me that if she isnt coming back then neither am i..i will stay with her, beside her, and keep physically moving just to move until my body can no longer go on. They say that i can find love again, that i can revive that passion, that unlogical desire once I let go, but how can i experience love again when my soulmate is deceased? No one can ever  take her place, no one can ever make me feel like the way she made me feel and if I can't have her back then i dont want to anyone, i'll simply just live without a heart. Im convinced that she is the only one who has the ability to captivate me, move me, understand me, and love me. She introduced to hope, love, affection, compassion, and to the beauty in life. I can't help but get off topic and rant about her affect on me, she is the reason why i am who i am today, she gave me the courage to just be me, she showed me what love was, and i know for a fact that if she never came into my life i would be dead right now. So to actually visit her grave and see where she is buried right before my eyes is a very intense situation. I descided on impulse that i would go through with it because i know if i gave myself time to think i'd say no forever, and i'll never fully except it and I know that i have to, in order to be sane. I may not have to move on, and settle for second best but I know she'd want me to keep going, keep believing for the both of us. March 29, 2009 is when i'll take fear by the throat, and confront what ive been avoiding for 3 years..and hopefully it makes me stronger and doesnt completely overwhelm me with despair. Just know that I'm doing this for her, and only her.

I love it, how I walk away
My back your heart
Brake the silence and waste time for nothing
Cause your words make no sense at all
Senseless noise noise noise buzzing in my ear
Disrupting my own self absorbed soundtrack
I wont fall, wont fall for you

Lie down, just give up, dance with me
Lights out ,falling away into me
Dont stop. just let it go
Come play with fire
Melting away, into ashes
Dance with me

I enjoy it, how i just roll my eyes
My games your mind
Wont even consider listening to your point of view
It's worthless, don't care to listen to your intellect
Please don't think at all, its pointless
I wont fall, wont fall for it

Lie down, just give up, dance with me
Lights out, falling into me
Don't stop, just let it go
Melting away into ashes
Dance with me


Dancing to the same sad song, leaving reality behind,
We loose ourselves, Pretending the human race isn't jaded
This is my twisted fix of broken dreams and apathy,
Vibrant rays of light wilted, sadly faded
I'm  loves failed attempt
Too rotten to live, too wounded to heal, Too dead to feel
Won't forget, Wont forget it

See it, complete it, dance with me
Breathe it, live it, dance with me
See it, complete it, dance with me
Breath it, live it, dance with me

I Am
stranded, pointless, reaching a dead end
simple sounds I can no longer hear
the noise of engines, the footsteps, the melody of life drift into silence
The city lights disappear, following the same routine
Leaving only a starlit sky
Darkness conquers natures light
I AM
limitless, bold, and untamable
standing on the edge of a cliff
Shadows of buildings fade away as man made towers no longer stand tall, businesses, houses, and churches
all vanish and can not be scene
I AM
weightless, fragile, and simplified
sailing on ocean waves
peoples faces loose their shape, nameless forms dissolve into space
I AM A DETAIL IN A SCENERY
 
no longer here.

Puzzle pieces paint a picture
Fragile hearts and abandoned potential
Floating weightless, we entwine
Creating our own universe
She is the sun, the moon, and the stars
I am the living and the land
I am the reason and she is the light
This is our divine invention
Based on two worn out pieces
To a puzzle left unsolved
WE are pieces damp, until all is dissolved
We are the painting without a picture
I am the melody and she is the song
WE are disaster, and we are bliss
I am the planet, and she is the galaxy
Life and death combined for eternity
This is our world created by two forgotten pieces with fragile hearts and forbidden love
Together these pieces pump one pulse

Eloisa to Abelard
In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.

Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;
Ye grots and caverns shagg'd with horrid thorn!
Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey'd virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Though cold like you, unmov'd, and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
All is not Heav'n's while Abelard has part,
Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;
Nor pray'rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.

Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
That well-known name awakens all my woes.
Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
Still breath'd in sighs, still usher'd with a tear.
I tremble too, where'er my own I find,
Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
Line after line my gushing eyes o'erflow,
Led through a sad variety of woe:
Now warm in love, now with'ring in thy bloom,
Lost in a convent's solitary gloom!
There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame,
There died the best of passions, love and fame.

Yet write, oh write me all, that I may join
Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.
Nor foes nor fortune take this pow'r away;
And is my Abelard less kind than they?
Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.

Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;
Ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief.
Heav'n first taught letters for some wretch's aid,
Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid;
They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,
Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires,
The virgin's wish without her fears impart,
Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,
Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,
And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.

Thou know'st how guiltless first I met thy flame,
When Love approach'd me under Friendship's name;
My fancy form'd thee of angelic kind,
Some emanation of th' all-beauteous Mind.
Those smiling eyes, attemp'ring ev'ry day,
Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.
Guiltless I gaz'd; heav'n listen'd while you sung;
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
From lips like those what precept fail'd to move?
Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love.
Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
Nor wish'd an Angel whom I lov'd a Man.
Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
Nor envy them, that heav'n I lose for thee.

How oft, when press'd to marriage, have I said,
Curse on all laws but those which love has made!
Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,
Let wealth, let honour, wait the wedded dame,
August her deed, and sacred be her fame;
Before true passion all those views remove,
Fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to Love?
The jealous God, when we profane his fires,
Those restless passions in revenge inspires;
And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
Who seek in love for aught but love alone.
Should at my feet the world's great master fall,
Himself, his throne, his world, I'd scorn 'em all:
Not Caesar's empress would I deign to prove;
No, make me mistress to the man I love;
If there be yet another name more free,
More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!
Oh happy state! when souls each other draw,
When love is liberty, and nature, law:
All then is full, possessing, and possess'd,
No craving void left aching in the breast:
Ev'n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.
This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be)
And once the lot of Abelard and me.

Alas, how chang'd! what sudden horrors rise!
A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!
Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,
Her poniard, had oppos'd the dire command.
Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
The crime was common, common be the pain.
I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress'd,
Let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.

Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,
When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?
Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,
When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?
As with cold lips I kiss'd the sacred veil,
The shrines all trembl'd, and the lamps grew pale:
Heav'n scarce believ'd the conquest it survey'd,
And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.
Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,
Not on the Cross my eyes were fix'd, but you:
Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,
And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
Still on that breast enamour'd let me lie,
Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;
Give all thou canst — and let me dream the rest.
Ah no! instruct me other joys to prize,
With other beauties charm my partial eyes,
Full in my view set all the bright abode,
And make my soul quit Abelard for God.

Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
Plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray'r.
From the false world in early youth they fled,
By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.
You rais'd these hallow'd walls; the desert smil'd,
And Paradise was open'd in the wild.
No weeping orphan saw his father's stores
Our shrines irradiate, or emblaze the floors;
No silver saints, by dying misers giv'n,
Here brib'd the rage of ill-requited heav'n:
But such plain roofs as piety could raise,
And only vocal with the Maker's praise.
In these lone walls (their days eternal bound)
These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown'd,
Where awful arches make a noonday night,
And the dim windows shed a solemn light;
Thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,
And gleams of glory brighten'd all the day.
But now no face divine contentment wears,
'Tis all blank sadness, or continual tears.
See how the force of others' pray'rs I try,
(O pious fraud of am'rous charity!)
But why should I on others' pray'rs depend?
Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!
Ah let thy handmaid, sister, daughter move,
And all those tender names in one, thy love!
The darksome pines that o'er yon rocks reclin'd
Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,
The wand'ring streams that shine between the hills,
The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,
The dying gales that pant upon the trees,
The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze;
No more these scenes my meditation aid,
Or lull to rest the visionary maid.
But o'er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,
Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
Shades ev'ry flow'r, and darkens ev'ry green,
Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
And breathes a browner horror on the woods.

Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine.

Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand'ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
Thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;
No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,
Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;
Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv'n,
And mild as opening gleams of promis'd heav'n.

Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?
The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.
Nature stands check'd; Religion disapproves;
Ev'n thou art cold — yet Eloisa loves.
Ah hopeless, lasting flames! like those that burn
To light the dead, and warm th' unfruitful urn.

What scenes appear where'er I turn my view?
The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue,
Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,
Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.
I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
Thy image steals between my God and me,
Thy voice I seem in ev'ry hymn to hear,
With ev'ry bead I drop too soft a tear.
When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,
And swelling organs lift the rising soul,
One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:
In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown'd,
While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.

While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
Kind, virtuous drops just gath'ring in my eye,
While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,
And dawning grace is op'ning on my soul:
Come, if thou dar'st, all charming as thou art!
Oppose thyself to Heav'n; dispute my heart;
Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes
Blot out each bright idea of the skies;
Take back that grace, those sorrows, and those tears;
Take back my fruitless penitence and pray'rs;
Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode;
Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God!

No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!
Oh Grace serene! oh virtue heav'nly fair!
Divine oblivion of low-thoughted care!
Fresh blooming hope, gay daughter of the sky!
And faith, our early immortality!
Enter, each mild, each amicable guest;
Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!

See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,
Propp'd on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.
In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,
And more than echoes talk along the walls.
Here, as I watch'd the dying lamps around,
From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound.
"Come, sister, come!" (it said, or seem'd to say)
"Thy place is here, sad sister, come away!
Once like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray'd,
Love's victim then, though now a sainted maid:
But all is calm in this eternal sleep;
Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep,
Ev'n superstition loses ev'ry fear:
For God, not man, absolves our frailties here."

I come, I come! prepare your roseate bow'rs,
Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow'rs.
Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,
Where flames refin'd in breasts seraphic glow:
Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,
And smooth my passage to the realms of day;
See my lips tremble, and my eye-balls roll,
Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!
Ah no — in sacred vestments may'st thou stand,
The hallow'd taper trembling in thy hand,
Present the cross before my lifted eye,
Teach me at once, and learn of me to die.
Ah then, thy once-lov'd Eloisa see!
It will be then no crime to gaze on me.
See from my cheek the transient roses fly!
See the last sparkle languish in my eye!
Till ev'ry motion, pulse, and breath be o'er;
And ev'n my Abelard be lov'd no more.
O Death all-eloquent! you only prove
What dust we dote on, when 'tis man we love.

Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)
In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown'd,
Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,
From op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,
And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.

May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings
To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,
O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,
"Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"

From the full choir when loud Hosannas rise,
And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,
Amid that scene if some relenting eye
Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,
Devotion's self shall steal a thought from Heav'n,
One human tear shall drop and be forgiv'n.
And sure, if fate some future bard shall join
In sad similitude of griefs to mine,
Condemn'd whole years in absence to deplore,
And image charms he must behold no more;
Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;
Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em most